GAA Joke Page
Hopefully over time, we can build this page up to contain lots of GAA jokes

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English Rugby

Ha, Ha, Ha .... One "Ha" for ever NEARLY grand Slam !!!!

1. FOR SALE
100,000 Grand Slam t-shirts, ties & scarves - unused (choice of 1998/99,
1999/2000 or 2000/01) Contact : RFU, Twickenham.

2. LOST (on way to Lansdowne Road)
(i) Plan B
(ii) Graciousness
(iii) Bottle
Please contact : J Wilkinson, C Woodward, A Healy (Twickenham),

MEN CHOKE IN FRONT OF LARGE CROWD
49,000 spectators watched helplessly on Saturday as 15 sportsmen choked in
front of them, apparently after being force-fed a large slice of humble
pie. A doctor attending the scene said that the men had a medical history
of this sort of thing: apparently it also happened last year in Edinburgh
and in Wembley in 1999.

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS
FOR SALE
One chariot, (low-swinging sweet type), in urgent need of repair (wheels
have come off). One careless owner, details from Clive, 
Tel. Twickenham 20-14
LOST
One rugby match, believed lost in Ballsbridge area. Of great personal
significance, reward to finder. Call Austin on speeddial.
IN MEMORIAM
Slam, G : passed away, 22 October 2001. 
Sorely missed by Matt and the boys.
Will never forget you, when will we see, yer like again ?

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Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating
in the northside of Cork City, Ireland. Gardai advised earlier today that 3of the
4 have been detained.
The Garda Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin
and Bin Fightin have been arrested on Immigration issues.
The Gardai advise further that they can find no one fitting the description
of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area.
Gardai are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to
spot in the northside community.

*************

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told His demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a pound sledgehammer in 95-degree heat with 95% humidity. 
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labour were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Limerick. 
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 100 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found Him still happy to be sweating and Straining. The man explained that It felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Limerick.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -40 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable, but the man was instead dancing and singing at the top of his voice, twirling the sledgehammer like a baton, and grinning like a maniac. 
When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, 
"Cold day in hell...Limerick must have won the All-Ireland!" 

The art of being a culchie

01)  - Thou shalt drink only pints and/or "whiskey."
02)  - Thou shalt always ate the skin of yer rasher.
03)  - Thou shalt always stand at the back during mass, or even better, in the porch
           talking.
04)  - Thine Wife shalt emulate Biddy from Glenroe.
05)  - Thou shalt emulate Miley.
06)  - Thou shalt "Suck Diesel."
07)  - Thou shalt pretend to know all about "The  Headage."
08)  - Thou shalt look after your tractor better than your car.
09)  - Thou shalt have no "Revershing" lights or number plate on your trailers.
10)  - Thou shalt display a "Travellin' to Flavin" sticker on the back window of all           vehicles.
11)  - Thou shalt wear your Ivomec Pour-On fleece with pride.
12)  - Thou shalt not use but half-inch Wavin or "a good Sally Rod" for beatin           cattle.
13) - Thine sons shall play GAA.
14) - Thine daaawwwthur shall marry the local centhur-forward.
15) - Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly.
16) - Thou shalt reminisce the Fair Day, the Threshing, Kickin' Cabbages  and the  Corncrake.
17) - Thou shalt know a Mickeen Tomeen Joe and a Paddy Joe Paaaack from "the top of the parish."
18) - Thou shalt ate "Hang Sangwiches" at all GAA matches.
19) - Thou shalt hate "Those Backstard the Tans."
20) - Thou shalt be edumacated by the Chrissshtian Brethers.
21) - Thou shalt pronounce 'Yellow' as 'Yolla'.
22) - Thou shalt carry the A.I. Man's mobile number on you at all times.
23) - Thou shalt not visit Dublin ( except to Croker and to bring the wife shoppin' on the 8th of December ).
24) - Thou shalt not fail to attend the Ploughing Championships and all Steam Rallies.
25) - Thou shalt always know how to reek turf bether than thine Neighbour.
26) - Thou shalt use balin' twine to hold up thine trousers.
27) - Thou shalt not ever visit the dentist.
28) - Thou shalt not miss an episode of "The Weather."
29) - Thou shalt have many many injuries from "that Hooooor of a Charlois I got from that cowboy calf-dealer."
30) - Thou shalt wear cap crooked.
31) - Thou shalt love all Big John Wayne's fims, especially "The Quiet Man."
32) - Thine son shall be nicknamed "Bungalow," 'cos "he's got nothin'upstairs."
33) - Thou shalt shoot stray dogs.
34) - Thou shalt drown cats.
35) - Thou shalt think all Lesbians are from Lesbia.
36) - Thou shalt annually run the tractor off the end of the pit when tramping silage.
37) - Thou shalt taste all barrels of Molasses.
38) - Thou shalt think it's great craic to ring PJ and roar into the phone while he's with "the bit of stuff."
39) - Thine favourite chat-up line shalt be "Howya fixshed for a bit a howya goin' on ?" whilst winking like an epileptic.
40) - Thou shalt paint "Whatever County for Sam!" on all of your round bales.
41) - Thou shalt never leave the country.
42) - Thou shalt have a Heinz-57 mongrel of a dog which is good for nothin' except terrorising the neighbour's sheep.
43) - Thou shalt only bathe on a sathurday niyat, using only carbolic soap
 
44) - Thou shalt read the Farmer's Journal.
45) - Thou shalt always support your county GAA team whilst curshing them for being "pure shite" at every given opportunity.
46) - Thine sweet of choice shall be either Ritchies After-Dinner Mints or Silvermints.
47) - Thou shalt only be aware of strippers of the bovine kind.
48) - Thou shalt refer to Soccer as "The Foreign Game."
49) - Thou shalt always sing to dirty line to Alice."
50) - Thou shalt always receive Communion on the tongue, licking the priest's hand in the process. 

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A Poem of a great team

We've often heard the legends of warriors fierce and drall,
Of great deeds done in history, of men that dare not fall,
But we have our unsung hero's, whose valour never known,
From the village of Glengooley, who hurled with stick and ball.

Who fought through all divisions of the Senior county ranks,
From the people of this Parish, to the men now we say, "thanks",
Since the Parish club was founded in the year of 1899,
By the single greatest man in Ireland Father Canon. Cormac Ryan.

If he had been alive that day, to see his dream come true,
On the fiftieth anniversary, what this little club could do,
So many years of waiting, had finally come to pass,

When the team and their selectors assembled for first mass,
The congregation gathered there, heads bowed on bended knee,
"God bless you Father Slattery for your blessed plea",
"Oh God go with ye Gooley Boys as ye march into the fray,
and may a Junior County title be with ye on this day...Amen".

The day,..oh the day, the day it was a dirty one, the rain and sleet came down,
But it didn't stop the exodus from our little town,
Traps and bikes thronged the road, all along the way
Them around, that had a few pound, they hired a hackney for the day.

The team arrived to tog out, above at Mossy Walsh's Bar,
Doctor Keane checked the lads out, and stood them all a jar,
A few pints on, in single file, they marched up to the pitch,
Half way there, when nature called, they had to go inside the ditch!

The atmosphere was electric, t'was more than some could stand,
Mike Dan Power got a weakness as the team paraded with the band,
The referee threw up a shillin', no one made a sound,
The Gooley boys had won the toss, they'de play with fall of ground.

The players took up positions, Glengooley versus Bally,
When a thunderous roar came from the crowd, "C'mon boys give 'em sally!"
The ball is in, the game is on, there's no more we can do,
Than to leave it to those fifteen men, who wear the green and blue.

Mike Pat Slattery, and his brother Joe, known affectionately as 'Snail'
Was first to get the ball, stick, hit and pass the ball to Reale,
But, Reale he couldn't hould the ball, no! he had to give the ball away,
And the Bally boys they siezed their chance and made the boys from Gooley
pay,

Now, all was not in jeopardy, the game had just begun,
But the Gooley boys would want to tighten and put Bally on the run,
No sooner was the ball pucked out, than here they come again,
And before we had time to blink an eye, they stuck another one in !

"Well, fuck ye bunch of useless whores, will ye mark ye're fucken men,
Who the fuck put Reale on?, take him off and put on Big Dan!",
Young Ryan pucked out the ball, a lovely long ball at that,
t'was collected by his brother Mickey known as 'The Rat'

'The Rat' he darted from his man like a greyhound from the trap,
and percision, pace and accuracy put one straight over the lat,
Now that's ye're stuff Glengooley, ye've the beatens of them yet,
get in around the house now boys and stick one more in the net.

As play resumed, the ball dropped on the 45,
the 'Snail' was first to greet it, and send a bullet down the line,
Mike Pat Slattery and his brother Joe, whose father came from Youghal,
left the corner-back a mile behind and crossed an almighty ball,

"Now that's yer stuff Glengooley", as the roar came from the crowd,
"Saint Jude of Hopeless Cases, Lawrence Kiely's on the ground!"
"Did Anyone See What Happened...T'was that Long Pup Number 9,
C'mon now Ref get out your Book and Show that Pup the line!",

As Kiely was attended to, the Parish said a Prayer,
Were their dreams of County glory to end in just despair?
But Kiely, he arose again like Lazarus from the dead,
With a blood stained number 14 on, and a bandage around his head.

This put fire in their bellies now, the Gooley Boys saw red,
the challenge lay before them and the road was straight ahead.
Young Ger Ryan pucked out the ball, a lovely long ball at that,
T'was collected by his brother Mikey, again, known as 'The Rat'

Young Ger Hogan, whose father came from Youghal,
left the corner back another mile behind and crossed another mighty ball,
And the crowd they gasped in disbelief as that ball soared through the
air,

Would it land between the uprights or descend into the square?
The roars and shout they faded out, and a deadly silence fell,
And the only sound that was heard around was the toning of a bell,
The seconds seemed like hours as that ball soared through the air,
And the fifteen men from Glengooley assembled in the square,

When suddenly the clouds were broke, with a blinding flash of light,
and that ball returned back down again with ferocious speed and might,
The Bally Boys just stood there perplexed by what they'de seen,
Could this be really happening or was it all a dream?

When suddenly the silence broke with "C'mon we can't be beat!"
And fifteen men from Glengooley, put the one ball in the net!

*In Memory of the great Bullock Doody who lost a leg in the final,
but played through the pain with a stump and a half!

 

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A man had great tickets for the Tipp v. Cork Munster Final. As he takes his seat another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting beside him.
"No" he says, "it's empty". "This is incredible!" said the man.
 "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Munster final, a Tipp/Cork one at that, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Tipp match we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?" 

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
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50 reasons why GAA is better than soccer

1. Paul Gascoigne.
2. The offside rule. Boring.
3. Bribery scandals.
4. Because the championship has always been the Championship. The      League of Ireland has had more new improved formulas than most washing powders.
5. Because GAA heroes generally don't turn into villains overnight.
6. Vinnie Jones would bawl like a baby if he ever came up against Brian Mullins, Brian McGilligan, Brian Corcoran.  And that's just three Brian's that spring to mind.
7. The GAA may not appreciate its women as much as it should, but at least we all know who Angela Downey is. The most famous woman in English soccer is Posh Spice.
8. It's hard to feel passionate about any sport that John Major feels passionate about. Plus David Mellor never made love to anyone while wearing a GAA jersey.
9. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
10. Andy Gray.
11. Jimmy Hill.
12. Micheal O Muircheartaigh.
13. Nobody sings "You'll never beat the Irish" at GAA games.
14. RTE would never foist Brendan O'Carroll on the GAA viewership.
15. Wimbledon as a "Dublin" team.
16. No segregation at GAA matches.
17. The GAA player who performs in front of 70,000 at the weekend will be teaching your kids on Monday or he'll be selling you meat or fixing your drains or representing you in court. The soccer player who performs in front of 70,000 fans at the weekend will be moaning about too many games and trying to sell you his personalised brand of leisure wear.
18. GAA players don't sell stories to the Sun.
19. GAA players don't have stories that the Sun would want to buy.
20. Bungs
21. Backpasses.
22. Barry Venison's dress sense
23. Jack Walker can buy a league title. You can't buy an All-Ireland.
24. Nobody ever proposed making GAA goals bigger. Not even Charlie Redmond.
25. GAA nicknames are better: Sambo Hunter, Fat Larry, Babs, Bingo and so on. Soccer players just add a Y to each other's surnames.
26. You always remember what county your Irish teacher came from.
27. GAA people care so much about the weaker GAA counties that we sensitively refer to them as the "so-called weaker counties". English soccer just makes the premier league smaller. 
28. How many soccer players does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven. One to stick it in. Ten to hug and kiss him afterwards.
29. Soccer players go to Rumours. GAA players go to the pub.
30. If a GAA player ever jumped at a spectator like Eric Cantona did the rest of his team would join in. So would the rest of the crowd.
31. DJ Carey in full flight.
32. Sky runs soccer. Schoolteachers run the GAA.
33. Jimmy Barry Murphy was the coolest skinhead ever to grace a playing field.
34. There's nothing like seeing the bonfires blazing when a winning team reaches its home borders.
35. The GAA season always leaves you wanting more. The soccer season leaves soccer people demanding less. "Fewer games please."
36. GAA players run faster, hit harder and last longer. Nobody acts like a grenade just went off if they get tripped.
37. GAA teams are numbered one to fifteen, soccer team shirts read like the Lotto results. 38. All soccer players wear shinguards. Some hurling players even wear helmets.
39. The GAA is about where you're from. English Premiership soccer is about who you like.
40. The GAA won't sell us all out by starting a European Super League.
41. Old soccer players get testimonials, Old GAA players just slip down to junior. Dog rough it is too.
42. Bubble perms never made it to Croke Park.
43. Ghosted soccer biographies.
44. England soccer managers in the Sun.
45. No soccer team has a name quite as lovely as that belonging to Fighting Cocks of Carlow.
46. There are always two men in white coats behind each goal at GAA games. Very wise. 
47. Croke Park.
48. The bands are better.
49. "The Clash of the Ash" was a great film about the GAA. "Escape to Victory" was a film about soccer. It starred Michael Caine, Bobby Moore, Pele and Sylvester Stallone.
50. Roy of the Rovers was a prat.

Back to Top

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What's the difference between the Clare Hurling Team 
and the Ryder Cup Team?

There's only one Langer in the Ryder Cup Team

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Dublin Football Fan is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire


Chris Tarrant: Dublin Football fan you've done very well so far, 64,000 and one life line left phone a friend, the next question will give you 125,000 if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to 32,000: are you ready?"

Dublin Football Fan: "Yes Chris I am"

Chris : " On the screen is a photo of a current Dublin footballer as a baby
- which Dublin player is it - now think about this
carefully its worth 125,000 only 3 questions away from the million"

Dublin Football fan : " I think I know who it is ........er....but I'm not
100% sure, no I'm sure its Stynes , I'm sure its Brian Stynes (pause),
can I phone a friend Chris just to be sure ?"

Chris: "Yes Dublin Football Fan who do you want to phone ?"

Dublin Football Fan : "I'll phone Anto, He's a Dublin football fan also"

(ringing)

Anto : "Hello"

Chris : "Hello Anto, this is Chris Tarrant here from ITVs Who Wants To Be A Millionaire I have Dublin Football fan here and he is doing really
well on 64,000 but needs your help to get to 125,000 - Anto are you next to
the fax machine as this is a visual question. I'm faxing you a photo now
have you received it ?"

Anto: "Yes, Chris"

Chris: " The next voice you hear will be Dublin Football Fan's - he'll
explain the question and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Dublin
Football Fan"

Dublin Football Fan: " Anto, that photo is a baby photo of what current
Dublin footballer - I'm sure its Stynes what do you think ?"

Anto: "Its never Stynes, its obviously Keith Barr"

Dublin Football Fan : "You think ?"

Anto: "I'm sure "

Dublin Football Fan: " Thanks Anto "(hangs up)

Chris : "Well a difference of oppinion - do you want to stick on 64,000 or
play on for 125,000? "

Dublin Football Fan: "I want to play, I am so sure its Stynes I am going to
go with me first answer - Stynes"

Chris : "Is that your final answer"

Dublin Football Fan : "It is"

Chris : "Are you confident"

Dublin Football Fan : "Yes fairly"

Chris : "Dublin Football Fan .....you had 64,000 and you said Brian Stynes -
if its right you win 125,000 if its wrong you go away with 32,000

(drum roll) ..............................

It was wrong - sorry Dublin Football Fan. Here is your cheque for 32,000 you
have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for the Dublin Football Fan"

(clapping ..................)

Dublin Football Fan: "Before I go Chris - what was the correct answer, its
killing me"

Chris : "Jason Sherlock"

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Back to Top

Facts on the Tipperary breed

1 - Tipperary people tend to bring sandwiches to the big games so as not to support local industry, i.e. chip vans etc.
2 - The most common drink drunk by Tipp fans is cold tea.
3 - Tipp led by 9 points at half time in the 1996 Munster Final. But as Limerick came back, with the scores level with 4 minutes to go a cry could be heard from the terrace "wrap up those sandwiches & put them in the deep freeze from the replay".
4 - The loudest cheer of the day from Tipperary fans is upon the arrivals of the first fans to the staduim who then proceed to take the tin foil off the sandwiches.  This is an ancient territory marking ritual.
5 - 48% of Tipperary fans paint their cars blue & gold.
6 - 49% of Tipperary fans believe John Leahy is the new messiah.
7 -
8 - Almost all Tipperary Priests use Finches orange instead of wine to celebrate mass.
9 - All Tipperary farmers use hurleys to hunt their cattle.
10 - Amazingly, hurling is not the most popular sport in Tipperary. It is in fact "tinny", the practice of throwing balls of tin foil from old batches of sandwiches against a friends head, & laughing uncontrollably.
11 - almost all of the Tipperary fans buy the match day program even though they are in the main illiterate.  Many can be seen reading an upside-down program. Apparently, the pictures in the program do not help the Tipp faithful, as most action photos of Tipperary hurling involve somebody  "getting capsized".
12  - The driver to the disco on a saturday night drinking spree is allowed to drink & drive by Tipp gardai as long as he wears a hurling helmet.
13 - Contrary to popular belief, Tipperary men do not have somebody else as their ventriliquists.  Although they appear not to be talking, they are talking, but their lips are not moving.  This is a trick learned early in the young Tipp man's life, allowing him to talk about hurling at Sunday mass, but never get caught.
14 - 24 is the biggest number in Tipperary arithmetic.  They like to call themselves "The premier" county even though, with 24 All-Ireland's, they are 3rd in the roll of honour, with Cork on 28 & Kilkenny on 26.
15 - Most Tipperary fans believe that because the GAA was founded in Thurles that they own the GAA.  The fact it was founded by a Clare man, who also was partial to sandwiches & cold tea, cannot change Tipp views.
16 - The most common birthday present in Tipperary is a lunchbox, to carry match day sandwiches.
17 - Sex in Tipperary has now been restricted to 90 seconds, the same amount of time it takes for John Leahy to go on & come off again. Many Tipp women have welcomed the length of time trebling, (as well as some Lenister girls)
18 - Tipperary hurling fans are not allowed to buy flags, hats & scarves anywhere apart from Thurles.  Pity the poor souls who went to Cork the night before the clare match but had to return to the hallowed Thurles turf to buy a flag.  But rules are rules.
19 - Tipperary were against the new blood substitution rule from day one. They cited how they "opened" Brendan Lynskey in the 1989 All_Ireland semi-final & how it led to them baytin' (translation - "Beating") Galway thus  win the All-Ireland.
20 - There are no showers in Tipperary.  Instead, the practice is for the father of the house to fill a bath on a Saturday evening & have a nice bath, followed by the mother of the house, follwed by the eldest son etc. (all using the same bathwater).  So the question now is: "are your tickets for the Munster final in the Tipp or Limerick end ?

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Q. Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of Clare players on them and people couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Clare fan in the road? 
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What do you have when 100 Clare fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What do Clare fans use for birth control? A. Their personalities.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Clare fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? 
A. Shoot the Clare fan twice.
Q. What's the difference between Davy Fitz the Clare goalie and Pamela Anderson?
A. Pamela's only got two tits in front of her.

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On the eight day God created the final whistle,  and ended the humiliation"

********************************

Dublin V Kerry Replay in Thurlus 2001

Attention Important Notice

ARISING OUT OF THE CONFUSION THAT TOOK PLACE IN THURLES ON SATURDAY EVENING LAST, THE G.A.A. HAVE ISSUED THE FOLLOWING NOTICE TO ALL SUPPORTERS TRAVELLING TO THE GAME THIS WEEKEND.


1. PLEASE NOTE THAT THE DART AND THE M 50 DO NOT GO ALL THE WAY TO THURLES.
2. C.I.E. DO NOT RUN A BUS SERVICE EVERY 8 MINUTES ROUND THE TOWN OF THURLES.
3. THE GRASS VERGES OUTSIDE OF SEMPLE STADIUM MAY NOT   BEUSED FOR GRAZING PONIES.
4. IF YOU SEE A LOCAL MAN STANDING ON A STREET CORNER
SCRATCHING HIS ARSE YOU CAN PRESUME THAT HE IS A LOCAL MAN SCRATCHING HIS ARSE. HE IS NOT SELLING SYRINGES, E`s OR COCAINE.
5. NOT ALL WOMEN THAT YOU COME IN CONTACT WITH IN PUBS, CLUBS ETC.  ARE SLUTS AND ROIDS.
6. DRINKS MAY NOT BE PAID FOR IN PUBS WITH EITHER A WINK OR A NOD.
7. MUSIC BEFORE THE MATCH AND DURING HALF TIME WILL BE SUPPLIED BY THE GARDA BAND AND NOT AZLAN OR SOME OTHER SHITTY DUBLIN BAND.
8. BOYS UNDER 12 WILL BE NOT BE ADMITTED TO THE STAND UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY THEIR FATHER. IF THE FATHER IS UNKNOWN THEN A RELATIVE WILL SUFFICE.
9. EVEN THOUGH THE MATCH WILL BE OVER AT 5.30pm PLEASE NOTE THAT YOU WILL NOT MAKE IT BACK TO DUBLIN IN TIME FOR THE SIMPSONS @ 6.30pm.
10. ANYONE DRIVING HOME FROM THE MATCH PLEASE ENSURE THAT YOU DO SO IN YOUR OWN CAR AND NOT THAT OF SOME HARD WORKING LOCAL.


This notice is also available in all Dublin dialects - Fingalesse,
Dublin4ish, Romanian and Nigerian.
Phone: 1580 23 23 23

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THINGS I LIKE ABOUT CORK, BOY.

It doesn't matter if you are 18 or 80, you get called "Boy" or "Girl".  This keeps ye young.

Even on the busiest Saturday there's always a bit of open space in Patrick Street. It's near the religious guy with the microphone.

The Cork motto is "Hurling, s*x and rock n roll!"

Young car drivers have the unique ability to accelerate to 90 mph, then brake to a standstill within the space of 100 yards.

Boys out on the town wear a sleeveless t-shirt and no jacket even when it's freezing.

Girls out on the town wear plunge necklines and mini skirts even when it's freezing.

Cork has only four letters. This saves a massive amount of typing time compared to living in say Castletown Berehaven. You are also less likely to make spelling mistakes living in Cork.

Wine would come in ring pull cans if we didn't have Cork.

Visitors stand at the bar for ages waiting to get served and saying "yes thank-you I'm very well, thanks for asking" when the bar staff ask "are you all right?"

Women drink pints.

Women have long hair even over the age of 16.

It's easy to get out of the place.

That when a Cork guy says "I will yeah!" He means he won't.

In the event of war in Europe we are a long way away and the roads here will slow them up.

If it escalates to a nuclear conflict, the prevailing winds here are Westerly. 

Cafe culture... flagons of cider being sipped and watching the world go by. 

Listening to buskers who only know three lines of a song, on the basis that this is how long it takes you to pass by.

Dublin is at the other side of the country (and the roads slow them up). 

It's great living in the Capital and being at the hub of things.


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                                     A Corkman's perspective....

2001 will go down as a great year for the coffers of Parc Ui Chaoimh.
Sadly, Cork's exit from the hurling championship was premature, but it gave us
time to reflect, ponder & philosophise on the hand fate dealt the rebel county.
But, sure isn't it great to see the weaker counties progress & God knows, we
can't be winning everything! 
With the focus taken off the true Munster champions, it gave the red army a chance to take a step back & observe the differing characteristics of the hurling enthusiasts from the other counties, cheer on their respective teams, in their own unique way. I must apologise in advance to the folks from the other Munster counties, for concentrating the analysis on Tipperary alone, but there's only so much to say, so little time etc. etc.

A large portion of those gate receipts at the park came from the premier county, as the faithful supporters had to make the trek southwards on more than one occasion. Unlike their Cork counterparts, Tipperary fans, without admitting it, expect to have an early exit from the championship and so the attendance for each of the games was quite high. These trips to Cork assume the stature of a sacred pilgrimage, providing a reason to live for the Finches. The trips were etched even heavier in the calendar this year, after the foot & mouth scare curtailed the social mingling of the wellywearers at the marts. This was coupled with the heightened sense of adventure associated with "travellin' abroad" across the Cork border. The psychological barrier of inferiority caused many Tipp folk to equate it with an international border, and didn't they pack the passport , 'just in case, like!!'. 
And sure would you blame them for the excitement. As I write, the next trip from Tipp will be against Limerick on July 1st 2001 and no doubt, the ritualistic preparations for the big day out, will be repeated right across Tipperary:  Into the Cortina the following items will get flung together for the trip southwards :
1) A large flask of 'tae', 20 bottles of cider, 30 bottles of porter & fifty cheese sandwiches wrapped in tinfoil, to cater for the 30 or so yahoos packed into the backseat & trailer on the way down . "Perish the thought of having to hand over your hard earned cash to those Cork feckers for sumtin' to ate & drink!!". 
 2) A map written in crayon on a 10 note, in order to direct the driver over the maximum number of humpback bridges possible through bandit country in an effort to 
(a)
avoid the other traffic 
(b)
avoid the border police 
(c)
produce as many choruses of "Yahoo!" from the hurling-helmet clad occupants each time a bridge is negotiated. 
3) A statue of John Leahy, blessed an' all, to keep the occupants safe from all harm. - this particular item is not flung into the mechanically propelled vehicle, but rather carefully positioned on the centre of the bonnet and secured with an adequate supply of bailing twine ; something akin to a mermaid guiding a tall ship of yester-year through treacherous waters. 
4) The Babs Keating book of excuses - this provides a healthy array of original /bizarre observations, which provide an armory of match post-mortems for the Tipp fan before a sliotar is even struck in the game. This book assumes the mantle of the hurling Cathecism for the journey to Cork, with the classic Babs gems being learned off by heart on the trip down. The Cork folk will know well when the mass exodus from Tipperary begins, for we have a Garda scout strategically placed in bushes on the outskirts of Mitchelstown scanning Kilbeheny (and you all thought it was a speed trap !!) & beyond for signs of frantic scurrying, manifesting itself in a cloud of dust heavily laden with the aroma of cow dung . At the border, the Red Cross will again hand out markers & blank placards to the Finches, to order to furnish them with the means to provide subtitles when communicating. The Journey to Cork will end with a screech of brakes in the centre of the Jack Lynch tunnel & straight on with the hazards. The Cortina & trailer will be abandoned in order to experience a leisurely stroll to the park and of course to keep the Cortina dry - the beginning of which is rudely interrupted with the inexplicable furious hooting of car horns further back in the tunnel. The result of the match may produce 2 reactions - this is where a degree of unpredictability enters into the equation, making it slightly interesting for the locals. If Limerick prevail, it is because Tipperary was robbed; specific incidents in the match that only Tipperary people saw or can recall will be cited as examples. The fact that Limerick used 2 sliotars, fielded 34 players, had kidnapped the family of the referee & had the slope of the pitch in their favour, will also be mentioned. If Tipperary come away with a victory, all hell will break loose; the greatest team on the planet will be forever remembered in newly created ballads ; tales of extraordinary heroism will be shouted from the hills, sales of glow-in-the-dark John Leahy statuettes will go through the roof & more specifically, we won't hear the end of it in the canteen for weeks to come! Whichever way it goes , the physical aftermath will be the same; 
(i) The pond outside Parc Ui Chaoimh will have to be dredged to remove the mountain of superquinn bags filled with empty porter bottles, recently deposited there.  
(ii)
The traffic chaos at the tunnel will get worse with people attempting to reverse the trailer back out the tunnel, in order to get a clear run of the road on the way home. 
(iii) Aughanish Alumina will be contacted to deal with the phenomenon associated with copious amounts of rolled up tinfoil deposits appearing after a championship match. 
For the red army of hurling supporters & hurlers alike, it will be a time to recharge the batteries & regroup for the next campaign, safe in the knowledge that a Championship without Cork...." is a bit of a sham all the same, boy!".

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Tipperary the Movie

Rumours have been flying about recently that a new movie is about to be released in Hollywood.  "Tipperary, the movie" will hit box offices everywhere from August 1 2001.  The film chronicles Tipperary hurling fortunes from 1971 onwards, although there will be an hour long break during the film to accommodate the years between 1973-83 when Tipperary failed to win a single championship match. 
Many top actors have signed up to the new film, one of the most notable being Marlon Brando who plays Paul Shelley.  Lyle Lovett, who plays Nicholas English is said to be thrilled about his part.  "The directors told me I'm playing a star who was a hero in 1989 when he was so good he got 2 Galway players sent off".  The film begins with the 1971 Munster Final when Tipperary beat Limerick with Babs Keating's famous dry ball incident. Kevin Spacey, who plays the youthful Babs Keating says "I'm delighted to be playing the part of the barefoot wonder, but why were so many of the extra's eating sandwiches ?".  The next game is the 1971 All-Ireland final when Tipperary beat Kilkenny 5-17 to 5-14.  Spacey again playing the part of Babs Keating had to play barefoot in some of the close ups as Keating did in that final. 
After some minor 1972 footage, the film then takes a 1 hour break for the 10 years of no wins.  This allows the eager cinema-goer a chance to go to the popcorn stand for some tin foil wrapped sambo's, mikado biscuits & flasks of cold tea.  Unfortunately for Tipperary film viewers though, the prices are not 1972 prices, but today's ones.  The blockbuster then re-starts with Tipperary's 1983 win over Clare at Limerick.  Kurt Russell plays the part of the legend-in-his-own-pint-glass Donie O'Connell. 
Russell sees it as a "big move" to play such a local hero.  In a strange twist of fate, Steven Segal plays the part of 1984 Tipp goalkeeper John Sheedy. Segal had to spend 4 weeks of intensive training on blocking down balls going over the bar for opposing forwards to score goals just like Sheedy did for Sean O'Leary of Cork in the 1984 Munster Final.  If anyone has forgotten, Tipp led 3-14 to 2-13 with 4 minutes to go, but Sheedy's errors made it 4-15 to 3-14 for Cork.  Segal says "I spent 8 hours a day for 3 weeks doing it before I could even do it badly".  What sort of a Turkey was this Sheedy guy ?" 
The film reaches a high note when Tipperary win the 1987 Munster final.  Kiefer Sutherland who plays Richard Stakelum had to fine tune his accent for that famous line "The famine is over".  Sutherland, who had to lose a stone for the film had an intensive diet of ham sandwiches & tea for 3 months prior to filming.  David Jason, who plays Babs Keating the Manager, says "I get to play this very arrogant guy.  His team have not won the top prize since 1971, but already on the train to the match over a cup of tea and a kimberley mikado biscuit, he's talking about his team doing 4 in a row".  Jason, who had to put on over 2 stone to do the part, reputedly ate a stone of potatoes every day.  "I guess bacon & cabbage is part of the Tipperary life" he says. 
There is a very sad scene from 1988 where the youthful Tipperary players of John Leahy (played by Russell Crowe) and Declan Ryan (played by Liam Neeson) are crying at the end of the All-Ireland final.  "I just don't cry" said Russell Crowe "so they managed to douse my eyes in Tipperary spring water and that made me look sad".  Crowe, who looks nothing like Leahy was apparently chosen after his prowess with a sword became evident in Gladiator.  "There's a time in the film where I have a bad dream" he said  "I take a glass & break it & then I almost rip some guy's face off with the glass" he said.    Neeson took the role, but did not read the small print, whereby he had to put on 5 stone weight between the years chronicled 1988 & 1992.  "Declan Ryan is one big man" he said with typical Northern wit. Neeson who has now already lost 2 of the 5 stone in 3 weeks since filming ended, thinks Ryan would do well in the World Wrestling Federation.  "He could make a lot of money" said Neeson. 
The film reaches an unbearable tension when filming of the 1989 All-Ireland series takes place.  Lyle Lovett playing English has to take a few blows as part of a scene where the Galway players flatten him. "Apparently nobody touched him on the day" says Lovett, but he got those boys sent off and his team brought home the bacon, bacon that was used for sandwiches" said Lovett humourously.  To film the scene at the end of the 1989 final, directors placed a sign outside a Tipperary cinema saying "free willy".  Hundreds of local ladies turned up & were disappointed when they found (a) it wasn't a film and (b) there were no males willing to offer a free service.  The ladies were then taken by bus to croke park to film the pitch invasion.  One local lass Betsy Ryan said "twas a grate thrick, but to be involved in an All-Ireland final was grate". 
There's many more incidents to be enjoyed in this film.  Take for example Michael Cleary's flukey goal that won the 1991 All-Ireland final. Cleary, played by Tom Cruise is portrayed as a hero, even though Cruise had to receive several blows to the head & let the wounds heal in order to play Cleary's part.  McAuley Culkin too had to wear a set of huge mock ears and wildly overgrown false teeth to play George Frend.  But one of the best scenes is at the end of the 1997 All-Ireland final when Russell Crowe, playing John Leahy has a chance to win the game for Tipperary but lashes the ball at the Clare keeper.  "I'm the only Tipp man invited to Anthony Daly's wedding" says Crowe "as I gave Clare 2 presents that year, a Munster & All-Ireland final".  Obviously, Crowe has done a lot of research for this role.  
The last scene filmed is Tipperary winning the 2001 All-Ireland final.  They destroy all before them to take the title.  In what could land the directors in hot water though, the pitch invasion is taken from a battle charge in Braveheart.  Those who remain on the terraces & stand all throw their sandwiches into the air.  "It's tinged with tragedy though" says Russell Crowe (John Leahy)  "One poor man is so overcome with emotion, he throws his flask up in the air instead of his sandwiches.  The flask lands on his wife hospitalising her.  This could be the springboard for a Sequel though". 

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Loyal GAA Supporter

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in North Tipp and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Tipp fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Tipp fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why  didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Tipp fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Tipp fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Clare fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are  you a Clare fan?"
"Because my Mum and Dad are from Clare, and my mum is a Clare fan and my dad is a Clare fan, so I'm a Clare fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no  reason for you to be a Clare fan. You don't have to be just like  your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute  and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Limerick fan."

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